Your eyes, your smile, your lessons to me.

  Oh my son.
  I'm quite in awe over you. Your siblings taught me so much and yet I still sit here and stare at you listening attentively to all that you have to say. A week ago today, you began to show me that you were then able to recognize your family and friends. You smiled ever so gently with those cute little dimples. Oh how prominent they are.
 The past two days you have cracked a chuckle here and there. You look up at the fan and in your mothers eyes, I see you as if you are speaking with your angel. You smile so big. Your arms and legs move with excitement and you bring your mother her knees. There is no greater joy my son then to watch every monumental milestone in your short life. I want you to read this one day and remember that at this moment you were and always will be my baby.

 As a log here is what you did 10 minutes ago:

Me to David, "okay papas, mama is going to feed you some more, but I don't want you to throw up okay?". I guess he disagreed with me. How he proved his point after I was done asking that from him. He threw up on me. Down my shirt, on my pants and it found it's way to my socks. Yeah he didn't quite concur!

10 years ago today

We were preparing to bury my dad. Our Thanksgiving came with a heavy heart and lots of mourning. My dad passed away on the 17th of November and this past 17th didn't go by unforgotten. It never does. I've heard parents say, "I'd rather go first then to watch my children be buried". I think that's one of the things that helped me get past losing my dad. It would have been devastating had my dad had to see us go. He buried my brother. He did not speak of it for weeks. He really didn't do much. I'm not even sure how exactly he coped with Vincent's death. All I know is that with every Thanksgiving I remember who my dad was and all that he wanted during the holiday seasons. This was his favorite time of year. He'd hold his grandchildren as if it was the last time he'd ever see them. They loved every second of it you know? Not once did he treat them different from the other. He held them for just as long and kissed them the same amount of time, and he told each and every one them how much he loved them.

I'm not sure if my sister recalls but every holiday season my dad would say, " We will not fight or be negative for the next month.". I'd laugh deep down inside because let me tell you sometimes it was NOT easy, but that ever so slightly reminder stuck to me through out the years. I hear myself telling the kids the day before Thanksgiving, "don't be fighting for the holidays, enjoy them".

So even though my dad is not here with us, he still holds a big part during the holiday season. How can I forget such a loving, caring, self motivated, gentle man, whose hands where hairy?!! I had to say that. When we went to church in Kettleman City I use to play with his hair on his hands in church. Sometimes to the point where I remember tangling them...hehehe. He never said a thing.

I miss him so much, but I am so truly thankful for the blessings that God has poured upon us this very day. I have my husband home, my children here and living, and a home covered by the blood of the Lamb. Thank you Lord for all that you have done in my life, even in the times that I tried to push you away. Thank for you guiding me, loving me unconditionally, and forever holding me in your arms. Thank you for all that you have done for me and my family.


PS. Tomorrow is 10 years since we said good bye to my daddy.

I'm forgiven.

This is a special blog. As some may have read a couple of postings ago, there was a special prayer request that went out. That prayer request still exists. I thought I knew what I wanted to say but once I started typing I became lost for words.

We have all made mistakes. Some more then others. We have punished ourselves in ways unimaginable to man. And some not at all. Yes we have hurt people. I know I have. I know I've been hurt from people as well.

It's difficult to face those who have hurt you. Parents, spouses, your children, friends, and even God. We wonder why they can do this to us. At times we frequently ask ourselves "'why me Lord?' 'Why have people chosen to hurt me so bad?'". (Palms 139) Is there not one person that has ever gone through life not asking themselves that?

I have to admit it's hard going through relationships and not questioning what people's motives are. Sometimes you run into those who you know will come and go. Those that come into your life to only point out the wrong in you even when the wrong doesn't exist. Then you have some who you know you want to have a relationship with but you feel the pain that they have. You have others that no matter what they do or how they hurt you, you can't seem to stop loving them. But through out it all, the most important lesson you learn is to forgive one another. At times you'll find the party not so forgiving and that's okay too. You can't change their thinking but it doesn't mean that you should not show them love or be less forgiving. (Acts 13:38)

How do so many of us try and pull the plank out of someone else's eye when a log is stuck in our own eye? (Matthew 7:1-5) Can you imagine the pain that we must endure when we face ourselves in the mirror?

Brittany; you are no different from me or anyone else. I forgave you long before you knew I knew. I know that I'm not the only one. How can I be the one to tell you what you have done wrong; when even now I have made mistakes. In my marriage, in raising my children, and in other relationships in my life. I have forgiven you; I have forgiven my husband, I have forgiven all those who have done me wrong. Why you may ask? Well because I know that God allowed his son to die for us. His son was laid on the cross with each and every one of our sins. He felt all our sins before we even knew they existed. Our father loved and still loves us unconditionally. Who am I to do the opposite for a man whom sacrificed his life for mine? He never left us and he has no plans on it. (Hebrews 13:5).

A quick highlight, Brittany did not have a sister who passed away. BUT who cares! You are forgiven by me!! AND most importantly you are forgiven our Lord Jesus Christ!!!!!!! Isn't that awesome! He forgave you and me and them before we even asked him for forgiveness. We support you Brittany. My family is praying for you.

I look forward to getting to know Brittany Cardinale and her family. We love you for you! Friends, family, and strangers to Brittany, let's show her that we forgive her and continue to pray for her. God is on our side!

We love you Brittany and starting with me; I forgive you!!!!!!!

Blessed be the rock!

As some have asked; yes the kids have gone to camp. Today is their third day. As most know I'm suffering (ever so slightly) from separation anxiety in a funny way of course. They will be back on Friday and I can't wait for the stories they'll have to share. The Lord is working in thier hearts right now and I thank God that they were given such a opportunity as this one.

I can't remember us ever having a chance to do something like this some 20 years ago. Give or take a few years..lol! As much as I'm missing them (I'm sure they haven't had time to think about us) I know they are being blessed in more ways then I can imagine.

It's amazing what you can do when 3/4 of your children aren't home. I've cleaned over and over again. My third day of not even a dirty sock. I've had time to pray out loud, silently, and with others. I've read the bible more then I ever had since going to church (over 30 years). Sierra has learned to read more. Yes, all this makes me happy, but it would make me even happier knowing that my kids were here to disrupt my time.

Funny as it seems, all the kids that usually come over have been stuck in their homes. Lucky parents!

Next week Sis and Mikey will be headed to Branded by Fire. Again, another first for me and them of course. You must Google it. It is truly an event worth going to for young teens and pre-teens. I am so proud of my kids right now. God is good; isn't he?

Lord, if ever there was a time, please fill me with patience and love and with a sealed mouth.
I pray this because at some point last evening (while sleeping) my mother called. I called her back this morning not knowing who I was calling. I didn't recognize her voice because I woke her up. The first thing I asked for was for my nieces and nephews. I miss them so much. I'm not sure if my mom called to see how we're doing or to perhaps "argue". I'm okay with her calling. I just need to act christian like. I know I'm not perfect and am only human, but I also know that one slip of tongue would give her a reason to come at me.

This is the time to practice, "Love as Jesus loves us".

Anyway, I have found myself having a heavy heart for a young lady who recently lost her mom. I ask that you keep her in your prayers. "Young lady" is determined to get through her loss by living in the word of God. I am proud of her as I, myself, was never truly strong enough to get past my dads passing until I lost what I once had. She knows her mom is singing Hallelujah. I do intend to be there for her for as long as she needs me.

Boy I miss my dad, but I too know that one day I will see him again. And when it's my time to leave this world I want my children to know that they will not have to worry but give praises in his name that I will live an eternal life. Jesus died for us to forgive us of our sins. He was that loving! He is that loving! In return I will sing praises in his mighty name and can't wait to see him when he calls for his daughter.

Anyway, I miss my kids....

A whole lot of ACTING!

At this point I’m not exactly sure were to start. There so much to tell. Friday we read about loving your neighbors and reaching out to them. I’m not exactly sure how others view me, but I’ve always thought that I have been pretty good at helping others in their time of need. I’ve always had a love to help others despite the consequences and how it would affect me and/or my pocket book. That night I realized that I haven’t done enough for others. I mean come on now! I’m supposed to love my neighbors. Yet I’m here at home and haven’t really met anyone other then at the clinic and at church. Is that enough? Is that all that God is asking me to do? Who are my neighbors? The people living next to us?

Well I had to answer those questions. Then I realized that my neighbors are everyone. Everyone is those at the stores, schools, libraries, anywhere that I go. Have I really reached out to them? The answer was no.

Sometimes we allow other people to stop us. I had a conversation with someone about this. Their reaction differed from mine.

At the very end I realized that I need to ACT IN LOVE just as Jesus did.

A different subject;

Yesterday we went somewhere. LOL! I have no idea where we went. No really, I can’t recall where we went. I do know that when we got back I was feeling terrible as I did Friday night. Friday night I broke out in hives and unfortunately I did last night also. I don’t know what’s in the air or what I’m even touching for that matter. Last night got so bad on me that I thought I was going to stop breathing. I had hives around my neck, face, and head. Yep on a Saturday night! I’m sorry I have church on Sunday (today).

I woke up this am and was feeling just as bad as I did before closing my eyes last night. I came to the sofa, elevated my head, covered myself with a robe, and went back to sleep. I woke up at 9:20ish. Everyone asked if we were going to church and I answered yes. Trust me I didn’t want to get up to save my life, but I knew that I had to be at church today. Whatever the reason, I was soon to know. I got the baby and I dressed in 30 minutes. I sat in church with so much pain. I knew then (after 45minutes) that I had to rebuke the enemy and by the grace of God I’d be pain free (even if it was temporary). Guess what?! My Jesus won and I made it through the rest of the service feeling a bit better.

The reason why I had to be there was because I had to learn about love. Go figure, isn’t that was I was studying for the past 2-3 days! I have to ACT in love. In order to FEEL love we must ACT in love. In order to FEEL love we must ACT in love. We must ACT in love as Jesus did.

Oh did I repeat myself? Oh I’m sorry. I guess that means you did too!

Anyway, I’m going to get off here and miss a day of not getting on the laptop and practice this.

I now realize that the only way I can truly love my family is that I ACT in love, but first I must LOVE my father.

Feel the need to ponder?

One more thing, I’m working on patience! Yes, I’m being patient. I’m praying for my mother and my sister and one day we may even say hello again.