Thursday, November 25, 2010
10 years ago today
We were preparing to bury my dad. Our Thanksgiving came with a heavy heart and lots of mourning. My dad passed away on the 17th of November and this past 17th didn't go by unforgotten. It never does. I've heard parents say, "I'd rather go first then to watch my children be buried". I think that's one of the things that helped me get past losing my dad. It would have been devastating had my dad had to see us go. He buried my brother. He did not speak of it for weeks. He really didn't do much. I'm not even sure how exactly he coped with Vincent's death. All I know is that with every Thanksgiving I remember who my dad was and all that he wanted during the holiday seasons. This was his favorite time of year. He'd hold his grandchildren as if it was the last time he'd ever see them. They loved every second of it you know? Not once did he treat them different from the other. He held them for just as long and kissed them the same amount of time, and he told each and every one them how much he loved them.
I'm not sure if my sister recalls but every holiday season my dad would say, " We will not fight or be negative for the next month.". I'd laugh deep down inside because let me tell you sometimes it was NOT easy, but that ever so slightly reminder stuck to me through out the years. I hear myself telling the kids the day before Thanksgiving, "don't be fighting for the holidays, enjoy them".
So even though my dad is not here with us, he still holds a big part during the holiday season. How can I forget such a loving, caring, self motivated, gentle man, whose hands where hairy?!! I had to say that. When we went to church in Kettleman City I use to play with his hair on his hands in church. Sometimes to the point where I remember tangling them...hehehe. He never said a thing.
I miss him so much, but I am so truly thankful for the blessings that God has poured upon us this very day. I have my husband home, my children here and living, and a home covered by the blood of the Lamb. Thank you Lord for all that you have done in my life, even in the times that I tried to push you away. Thank for you guiding me, loving me unconditionally, and forever holding me in your arms. Thank you for all that you have done for me and my family.
PS. Tomorrow is 10 years since we said good bye to my daddy.
I'm not sure if my sister recalls but every holiday season my dad would say, " We will not fight or be negative for the next month.". I'd laugh deep down inside because let me tell you sometimes it was NOT easy, but that ever so slightly reminder stuck to me through out the years. I hear myself telling the kids the day before Thanksgiving, "don't be fighting for the holidays, enjoy them".
So even though my dad is not here with us, he still holds a big part during the holiday season. How can I forget such a loving, caring, self motivated, gentle man, whose hands where hairy?!! I had to say that. When we went to church in Kettleman City I use to play with his hair on his hands in church. Sometimes to the point where I remember tangling them...hehehe. He never said a thing.
I miss him so much, but I am so truly thankful for the blessings that God has poured upon us this very day. I have my husband home, my children here and living, and a home covered by the blood of the Lamb. Thank you Lord for all that you have done in my life, even in the times that I tried to push you away. Thank for you guiding me, loving me unconditionally, and forever holding me in your arms. Thank you for all that you have done for me and my family.
PS. Tomorrow is 10 years since we said good bye to my daddy.
Monday, November 8, 2010
My story at 15 yrs old.
I know I said I was going to post it here about a month; sorry. Please forward to anyone who is going through this.
I was 15 years old. As all teens are I became crazy over boys. Though I had a troubled 4ish years before that I don't think I had low self esteem. In fact I had always looked for those who dressed well, who seemed intelligent, who were respectful of others. I always wanted someone who, in a sense, was better then me? There was this "guy" who had all these characteristics so I thought. Honestly he wasn't good looking, matter of fact he looked like a mouse. I knew it then and still know it now. I don't recall how we met, but I do know it was a small town in the central valley of CA.
By the way, I am not going to say his name. If my family reads this (including Nini) they'll know who I'm talking about. Please don't say his name either guys.
After a week of meeting him, my dad noticed this kid sleeping outside on the grass at the apartment complex we lived in. So did I. I'd like to say we were not dating but I almost felt like I had no other alternatives. Honestly I did not really know why he was sleeping out there. I just knew he "dressed well". He was very nice with me, polite, did VERY well in school, and seemed to be pretty popular amongst his peers.
A week and half after "knowing" him, I spoke to him about what was going on. He upset me and let him know I was NOT happy. As soon as I was mid point my face was numb. He stuck me. For the first time I had been hit by a guy that I thought liked me. The only hit I recall is the first one, after that I do not know how many times I was struck. If my mind serves me well, I got up from the ground of the garage of a friend. I wasn't bruised but I was sore.
Boy was I ready to get out and run as fast as I can. Well I couldn't. At the time my dad was consumed with work and i rarely saw him to begin. I have chosen to leave out why I didn't go home. I'll have to do that in person one day. Just know I couldn't. During those 3 months I was being hit. Sometimes left in the corn fields behind the area of homes. Since corn wasn't in season at the time no one saw me out there. I was being left with bruises on my face. The neighborhood saw them but not once asked to see what was wrong. I wouldn't go into town because I was afraid I'd run into my dad, or even my brother. I kept it very low key. I don't remember how long I was left unconscious all those times. I remember times where he would hit me and I'd have seizures. That did not stop him. I was trapped. The more I would try and defend myself the worse I was hit. He would apologize every single time. Matter of fact through out the 3 months his mom was being hit by his dad. She ended up with broken ribs, often.
I remember looking at myself in the mirror wondering why it was happening to me. Could he cause me to be blind at 15? My eyes were closed shut at times. What was happening to me while I was out cold? How could someone hurt me or anyone? How do I get out of this situation? I did not like it and I wasn't worth the beatings I got. I was his punching bad. He would kick me, hit me, and at times even spit on me.
As every guy/girl does he would buy me things, say he was sorry, blame me for all the beatings. I was not naive. I knew I was not to blame for the pain he was causing me but I couldn't leave. I was stuck. Believe me I would look for ways out. After about 2 months of being of all of this, I figured I was stuck. I was destined to die in someone's house. You know; he even had the nerve to do it in front of people. He would make it seem like he was playing. He was so good at it that people believed him.
I'm sitting here writing this and a part of me is holding back on more details. My hands are wet from the feeling of fear that I once had. This is very difficult for me to share.
After 3 months, my mom came looking for me. She found me bruised. She didn't ask any questions because she came to tell me that my brother passed away 2 days earlier. Boy was that a shocker. I told my mom I couldn't go. That was not a good idea. Somehow I made it to my brother's funeral. I remember sitting there with tears in my eyes asking Vincent if this was his way of getting me out of this. Could my brother have saved my life.
Within hours of my brother's funeral I was at a family friends house. My brother and him grew up together. He was always and still is considered family. We call each other step siblings. We have since I was a tot.
I ended up moving in with Nini and his family. I don't know how much time went by but it was not long at all. This guy found out where I was at. I was in the shower one am. Suddenly I heard the door slam open and there he was. I thought, this is it, I'm going to die right now.
He wasn't in there but 30 seconds before Nini and the family got home. They front door was broken. The chain if I remember correctly was completely off the hinge. Nini's girlfriend called the cops. The guy's mom showed up with 15ish minutes. Her excuse, "She asked for it". I don't know what Nini did or said to keep them away. One things for sure is that God had me protected.
For anyone out there, if this is happening to you get help. So people are abused by those who say they love you. It's not true. They are not respecting you. They will do it again. I do not ever want to see someone I love go through what I went through. I did intentionally leave some details out. Please, your life is much more precious. Take care of what God has given you.
This is so hard. You have no idea how thankful I am that people prayed for me then. That the Lord never took his hands off me. I do not know how many times I could have died. I do not know what happened to me while I was out cold. I'm not even sure that I want to know.
I'm going to stop here...Just know, if you're near by and need someone to talk to or if this what you are going through, PLEASE, PLEASE get help. People are there, here, and everywhere. Don't let your life without meaning, that is not God intended. He did not make me suffer but instead this has become one of my testimonies to help others....I'm sorry there is no spell check today.
I was 15 years old. As all teens are I became crazy over boys. Though I had a troubled 4ish years before that I don't think I had low self esteem. In fact I had always looked for those who dressed well, who seemed intelligent, who were respectful of others. I always wanted someone who, in a sense, was better then me? There was this "guy" who had all these characteristics so I thought. Honestly he wasn't good looking, matter of fact he looked like a mouse. I knew it then and still know it now. I don't recall how we met, but I do know it was a small town in the central valley of CA.
By the way, I am not going to say his name. If my family reads this (including Nini) they'll know who I'm talking about. Please don't say his name either guys.
After a week of meeting him, my dad noticed this kid sleeping outside on the grass at the apartment complex we lived in. So did I. I'd like to say we were not dating but I almost felt like I had no other alternatives. Honestly I did not really know why he was sleeping out there. I just knew he "dressed well". He was very nice with me, polite, did VERY well in school, and seemed to be pretty popular amongst his peers.
A week and half after "knowing" him, I spoke to him about what was going on. He upset me and let him know I was NOT happy. As soon as I was mid point my face was numb. He stuck me. For the first time I had been hit by a guy that I thought liked me. The only hit I recall is the first one, after that I do not know how many times I was struck. If my mind serves me well, I got up from the ground of the garage of a friend. I wasn't bruised but I was sore.
Boy was I ready to get out and run as fast as I can. Well I couldn't. At the time my dad was consumed with work and i rarely saw him to begin. I have chosen to leave out why I didn't go home. I'll have to do that in person one day. Just know I couldn't. During those 3 months I was being hit. Sometimes left in the corn fields behind the area of homes. Since corn wasn't in season at the time no one saw me out there. I was being left with bruises on my face. The neighborhood saw them but not once asked to see what was wrong. I wouldn't go into town because I was afraid I'd run into my dad, or even my brother. I kept it very low key. I don't remember how long I was left unconscious all those times. I remember times where he would hit me and I'd have seizures. That did not stop him. I was trapped. The more I would try and defend myself the worse I was hit. He would apologize every single time. Matter of fact through out the 3 months his mom was being hit by his dad. She ended up with broken ribs, often.
I remember looking at myself in the mirror wondering why it was happening to me. Could he cause me to be blind at 15? My eyes were closed shut at times. What was happening to me while I was out cold? How could someone hurt me or anyone? How do I get out of this situation? I did not like it and I wasn't worth the beatings I got. I was his punching bad. He would kick me, hit me, and at times even spit on me.
As every guy/girl does he would buy me things, say he was sorry, blame me for all the beatings. I was not naive. I knew I was not to blame for the pain he was causing me but I couldn't leave. I was stuck. Believe me I would look for ways out. After about 2 months of being of all of this, I figured I was stuck. I was destined to die in someone's house. You know; he even had the nerve to do it in front of people. He would make it seem like he was playing. He was so good at it that people believed him.
I'm sitting here writing this and a part of me is holding back on more details. My hands are wet from the feeling of fear that I once had. This is very difficult for me to share.
After 3 months, my mom came looking for me. She found me bruised. She didn't ask any questions because she came to tell me that my brother passed away 2 days earlier. Boy was that a shocker. I told my mom I couldn't go. That was not a good idea. Somehow I made it to my brother's funeral. I remember sitting there with tears in my eyes asking Vincent if this was his way of getting me out of this. Could my brother have saved my life.
Within hours of my brother's funeral I was at a family friends house. My brother and him grew up together. He was always and still is considered family. We call each other step siblings. We have since I was a tot.
I ended up moving in with Nini and his family. I don't know how much time went by but it was not long at all. This guy found out where I was at. I was in the shower one am. Suddenly I heard the door slam open and there he was. I thought, this is it, I'm going to die right now.
He wasn't in there but 30 seconds before Nini and the family got home. They front door was broken. The chain if I remember correctly was completely off the hinge. Nini's girlfriend called the cops. The guy's mom showed up with 15ish minutes. Her excuse, "She asked for it". I don't know what Nini did or said to keep them away. One things for sure is that God had me protected.
For anyone out there, if this is happening to you get help. So people are abused by those who say they love you. It's not true. They are not respecting you. They will do it again. I do not ever want to see someone I love go through what I went through. I did intentionally leave some details out. Please, your life is much more precious. Take care of what God has given you.
This is so hard. You have no idea how thankful I am that people prayed for me then. That the Lord never took his hands off me. I do not know how many times I could have died. I do not know what happened to me while I was out cold. I'm not even sure that I want to know.
I'm going to stop here...Just know, if you're near by and need someone to talk to or if this what you are going through, PLEASE, PLEASE get help. People are there, here, and everywhere. Don't let your life without meaning, that is not God intended. He did not make me suffer but instead this has become one of my testimonies to help others....I'm sorry there is no spell check today.
Friday, November 5, 2010
TMI!!!!!!!
We just got back from a short walk. Our walked reminded me of Japan because of the wind chill out. I got down to the bottom of the hill and was working against the wind.
I forgot how tiring that can be and there went my breath. Half of the way I could not catch my breath. That is how it was in Japan; often. Odd as it may seem, I've missed it. Yes really, wind chills are nice because when I walk in the door I can sit on the couch with one of my children and cuddle surrounded by nothing but warmth. Ahh, what a great feeling!
I'm sitting at 16+ weeks. I've had two days of feeling sick and it's not morning sickness (I don't think). Today seems to be a new day and not feeling as bad I have been the past two days. Feels pretty good, but only one problem; I am having no bowel movements what so ever!! This does NOT thrill me. I've eaten apples at night, drank coffee with a stool softener in it, everything, and nothing has worked. This is day who knows how many and it's starting to get just a LITTLE uncomfortable. Any suggestions would be helpful; my preference is the natural way but at this point anything safe for the baby works with me.
At this point in my pregnancy I can still see my toes but they are slowly going into hiding. I have a baby belly that is very noticeable and my face seems to have double in sized. My feet haven't grown much, my hands aren't any different but my face and belly have changed.
I've never noticed the changes on my face before until recently. The pigmentation on my face has changed drastically. Perhaps it's because I've been a tad bit under the weather. My lips are the same color as the rest of me. I have dark circles around my eyes that are not attractive at all.
Sis and I went in to Target the other day. Baby clothes are becoming a bit more, umm, let's just say they are starting to draw me in some. Oh man, so Target has this rocker that they have had for some time. It's growing on to me. I wanted it before but I am REEEEAAAAAALLLLLLYYY wanting it now. I've never had a rocker for me and baby, I just don't understand why I want one now.
I so badly want to talk about the friends of the past, present, and future but I know that's a blog of it's own. I just want you to know that even if we do not speak (often), rarely see other, always around you, you are always in my prayers. You may be upset with me, but I still pray for you.
One more thing, I know this woman. Her looks remind me of my mom. No one knows that she does but her. I just want you to know that I am proud of you and what you have done in your life. I always think and pray for you. I pray that blessings will fall upon you, so many that you don't know what to do them all. I love you my sister.
I forgot how tiring that can be and there went my breath. Half of the way I could not catch my breath. That is how it was in Japan; often. Odd as it may seem, I've missed it. Yes really, wind chills are nice because when I walk in the door I can sit on the couch with one of my children and cuddle surrounded by nothing but warmth. Ahh, what a great feeling!
I'm sitting at 16+ weeks. I've had two days of feeling sick and it's not morning sickness (I don't think). Today seems to be a new day and not feeling as bad I have been the past two days. Feels pretty good, but only one problem; I am having no bowel movements what so ever!! This does NOT thrill me. I've eaten apples at night, drank coffee with a stool softener in it, everything, and nothing has worked. This is day who knows how many and it's starting to get just a LITTLE uncomfortable. Any suggestions would be helpful; my preference is the natural way but at this point anything safe for the baby works with me.
At this point in my pregnancy I can still see my toes but they are slowly going into hiding. I have a baby belly that is very noticeable and my face seems to have double in sized. My feet haven't grown much, my hands aren't any different but my face and belly have changed.
I've never noticed the changes on my face before until recently. The pigmentation on my face has changed drastically. Perhaps it's because I've been a tad bit under the weather. My lips are the same color as the rest of me. I have dark circles around my eyes that are not attractive at all.
Sis and I went in to Target the other day. Baby clothes are becoming a bit more, umm, let's just say they are starting to draw me in some. Oh man, so Target has this rocker that they have had for some time. It's growing on to me. I wanted it before but I am REEEEAAAAAALLLLLLYYY wanting it now. I've never had a rocker for me and baby, I just don't understand why I want one now.
I so badly want to talk about the friends of the past, present, and future but I know that's a blog of it's own. I just want you to know that even if we do not speak (often), rarely see other, always around you, you are always in my prayers. You may be upset with me, but I still pray for you.
One more thing, I know this woman. Her looks remind me of my mom. No one knows that she does but her. I just want you to know that I am proud of you and what you have done in your life. I always think and pray for you. I pray that blessings will fall upon you, so many that you don't know what to do them all. I love you my sister.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
It's a baby now!
At 16 weeks it has formed from a lentil bean to a baby. S/he is pretty healthy. Doctor said the heart rate is nice and strong and he seems to be doing very well. Time is surely passing us by. In a couple of weeks it will be half over. In 4 weeks we'll know the sex. Crazy isn't it?!
So far all my weight has shifted to my belly and all the normal pregnancy areas. I'm already getting a little swollen. Which has my OB concerned with my thyroid. Plus, I did put on more weight then I should have and I'm not eating as much as I should. Next time I go in I'll have to get that checked. Honestly it doesn't worry me; as long as the baby is healthy.
I'm still having morning sickness; frequently. Quite disappointing to say the least. They had to give me different pills because the first ones where putting me to sleep. Matter of fact, they would knock me out so bad, that I fell asleep in the middle of the fair. I wonder; did anyone take pictures? I know if it were the other way around I would have! Who knows I may be floating around to a bunch of strangers being made fun. All in good humor! I'd do the same!! LOL!!
Today has been one of those days. The kids and I were suppose to go to P'cola. Well we tried anyway but only made it a couple of miles down the road. Cici seems to start to spit up, cry, and unbuckle while on the road. Pretty dangerous right? Well if you don't already know I have no patience for nonsense. I'm a little tired of this game and it is now putting our family in danger of getting in a car wreck. Yes you heard correct, it was pretty close today. Either I'm going to have find a babysitter, not go nowhere, or start spanking until we reach our destination. I'm sorry people but I firmly believe in a good swat to the butt. There is a major difference between beating and disciplining. If you disagree then it is your prerogative and what you feel won't change my mind. Sorry if it sounds rude. It's just my feel on it.
I've got a headache which seems to happen more often then none lately. I think I need to baby it right now....
So far all my weight has shifted to my belly and all the normal pregnancy areas. I'm already getting a little swollen. Which has my OB concerned with my thyroid. Plus, I did put on more weight then I should have and I'm not eating as much as I should. Next time I go in I'll have to get that checked. Honestly it doesn't worry me; as long as the baby is healthy.
I'm still having morning sickness; frequently. Quite disappointing to say the least. They had to give me different pills because the first ones where putting me to sleep. Matter of fact, they would knock me out so bad, that I fell asleep in the middle of the fair. I wonder; did anyone take pictures? I know if it were the other way around I would have! Who knows I may be floating around to a bunch of strangers being made fun. All in good humor! I'd do the same!! LOL!!
Today has been one of those days. The kids and I were suppose to go to P'cola. Well we tried anyway but only made it a couple of miles down the road. Cici seems to start to spit up, cry, and unbuckle while on the road. Pretty dangerous right? Well if you don't already know I have no patience for nonsense. I'm a little tired of this game and it is now putting our family in danger of getting in a car wreck. Yes you heard correct, it was pretty close today. Either I'm going to have find a babysitter, not go nowhere, or start spanking until we reach our destination. I'm sorry people but I firmly believe in a good swat to the butt. There is a major difference between beating and disciplining. If you disagree then it is your prerogative and what you feel won't change my mind. Sorry if it sounds rude. It's just my feel on it.
I've got a headache which seems to happen more often then none lately. I think I need to baby it right now....
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