My story at 15 yrs old.

I know I said I was going to post it here about a month; sorry. Please forward to anyone who is going through this.

I was 15 years old. As all teens are I became crazy over boys. Though I had a troubled 4ish years before that I don't think I had low self esteem. In fact I had always looked for those who dressed well, who seemed intelligent, who were respectful of others. I always wanted someone who, in a sense, was better then me? There was this "guy" who had all these characteristics so I thought. Honestly he wasn't good looking, matter of fact he looked like a mouse. I knew it then and still know it now. I don't recall how we met, but I do know it was a small town in the central valley of CA.

By the way, I am not going to say his name. If my family reads this (including Nini) they'll know who I'm talking about. Please don't say his name either guys.

After a week of meeting him, my dad noticed this kid sleeping outside on the grass at the apartment complex we lived in. So did I. I'd like to say we were not dating but I almost felt like I had no other alternatives. Honestly I did not really know why he was sleeping out there. I just knew he "dressed well". He was very nice with me, polite, did VERY well in school, and seemed to be pretty popular amongst his peers.

A week and half after "knowing" him, I spoke to him about what was going on. He upset me and let him know I was NOT happy. As soon as I was mid point my face was numb. He stuck me. For the first time I had been hit by a guy that I thought liked me. The only hit I recall is the first one, after that I do not know how many times I was struck. If my mind serves me well, I got up from the ground of the garage of a friend. I wasn't bruised but I was sore.

Boy was I ready to get out and run as fast as I can. Well I couldn't. At the time my dad was consumed with work and i rarely saw him to begin. I have chosen to leave out why I didn't go home. I'll have to do that in person one day. Just know I couldn't. During those 3 months I was being hit. Sometimes left in the corn fields behind the area of homes. Since corn wasn't in season at the time no one saw me out there. I was being left with bruises on my face. The neighborhood saw them but not once asked to see what was wrong. I wouldn't go into town because I was afraid I'd run into my dad, or even my brother. I kept it very low key. I don't remember how long I was left unconscious all those times. I remember times where he would hit me and I'd have seizures. That did not stop him. I was trapped. The more I would try and defend myself the worse I was hit. He would apologize every single time. Matter of fact through out the 3 months his mom was being hit by his dad. She ended up with broken ribs, often.

I remember looking at myself in the mirror wondering why it was happening to me. Could he cause me to be blind at 15? My eyes were closed shut at times. What was happening to me while I was out cold? How could someone hurt me or anyone? How do I get out of this situation? I did not like it and I wasn't worth the beatings I got. I was his punching bad. He would kick me, hit me, and at times even spit on me.

As every guy/girl does he would buy me things, say he was sorry, blame me for all the beatings. I was not naive. I knew I was not to blame for the pain he was causing me but I couldn't leave. I was stuck. Believe me I would look for ways out. After about 2 months of being of all of this, I figured I was stuck. I was destined to die in someone's house. You know; he even had the nerve to do it in front of people. He would make it seem like he was playing. He was so good at it that people believed him.

I'm sitting here writing this and a part of me is holding back on more details. My hands are wet from the feeling of fear that I once had. This is very difficult for me to share.

After 3 months, my mom came looking for me. She found me bruised. She didn't ask any questions because she came to tell me that my brother passed away 2 days earlier. Boy was that a shocker. I told my mom I couldn't go. That was not a good idea. Somehow I made it to my brother's funeral. I remember sitting there with tears in my eyes asking Vincent if this was his way of getting me out of this. Could my brother have saved my life.

Within hours of my brother's funeral I was at a family friends house. My brother and him grew up together. He was always and still is considered family. We call each other step siblings. We have since I was a tot.

I ended up moving in with Nini and his family. I don't know how much time went by but it was not long at all. This guy found out where I was at. I was in the shower one am. Suddenly I heard the door slam open and there he was. I thought, this is it, I'm going to die right now.

He wasn't in there but 30 seconds before Nini and the family got home. They front door was broken. The chain if I remember correctly was completely off the hinge. Nini's girlfriend called the cops. The guy's mom showed up with 15ish minutes. Her excuse, "She asked for it". I don't know what Nini did or said to keep them away. One things for sure is that God had me protected.

For anyone out there, if this is happening to you get help. So people are abused by those who say they love you. It's not true. They are not respecting you. They will do it again. I do not ever want to see someone I love go through what I went through. I did intentionally leave some details out. Please, your life is much more precious. Take care of what God has given you.

This is so hard. You have no idea how thankful I am that people prayed for me then. That the Lord never took his hands off me. I do not know how many times I could have died. I do not know what happened to me while I was out cold. I'm not even sure that I want to know.

I'm going to stop here...Just know, if you're near by and need someone to talk to or if this what you are going through, PLEASE, PLEASE get help. People are there, here, and everywhere. Don't let your life without meaning, that is not God intended. He did not make me suffer but instead this has become one of my testimonies to help others....I'm sorry there is no spell check today.

I'm forgiven.

This is a special blog. As some may have read a couple of postings ago, there was a special prayer request that went out. That prayer request still exists. I thought I knew what I wanted to say but once I started typing I became lost for words.

We have all made mistakes. Some more then others. We have punished ourselves in ways unimaginable to man. And some not at all. Yes we have hurt people. I know I have. I know I've been hurt from people as well.

It's difficult to face those who have hurt you. Parents, spouses, your children, friends, and even God. We wonder why they can do this to us. At times we frequently ask ourselves "'why me Lord?' 'Why have people chosen to hurt me so bad?'". (Palms 139) Is there not one person that has ever gone through life not asking themselves that?

I have to admit it's hard going through relationships and not questioning what people's motives are. Sometimes you run into those who you know will come and go. Those that come into your life to only point out the wrong in you even when the wrong doesn't exist. Then you have some who you know you want to have a relationship with but you feel the pain that they have. You have others that no matter what they do or how they hurt you, you can't seem to stop loving them. But through out it all, the most important lesson you learn is to forgive one another. At times you'll find the party not so forgiving and that's okay too. You can't change their thinking but it doesn't mean that you should not show them love or be less forgiving. (Acts 13:38)

How do so many of us try and pull the plank out of someone else's eye when a log is stuck in our own eye? (Matthew 7:1-5) Can you imagine the pain that we must endure when we face ourselves in the mirror?

Brittany; you are no different from me or anyone else. I forgave you long before you knew I knew. I know that I'm not the only one. How can I be the one to tell you what you have done wrong; when even now I have made mistakes. In my marriage, in raising my children, and in other relationships in my life. I have forgiven you; I have forgiven my husband, I have forgiven all those who have done me wrong. Why you may ask? Well because I know that God allowed his son to die for us. His son was laid on the cross with each and every one of our sins. He felt all our sins before we even knew they existed. Our father loved and still loves us unconditionally. Who am I to do the opposite for a man whom sacrificed his life for mine? He never left us and he has no plans on it. (Hebrews 13:5).

A quick highlight, Brittany did not have a sister who passed away. BUT who cares! You are forgiven by me!! AND most importantly you are forgiven our Lord Jesus Christ!!!!!!! Isn't that awesome! He forgave you and me and them before we even asked him for forgiveness. We support you Brittany. My family is praying for you.

I look forward to getting to know Brittany Cardinale and her family. We love you for you! Friends, family, and strangers to Brittany, let's show her that we forgive her and continue to pray for her. God is on our side!

We love you Brittany and starting with me; I forgive you!!!!!!!

The floors moving.

I'm not sure how well this is going to play out. Honestly spell check and everything else is out of the door too. This is a private conversion between me and who ever reads this.

Friday was full of i don't know because I slept. Though Friday evening I felt something come on like you would not belive. It was my first episode. I felt like I was dying. I'm not kidding.

Family has been very good at calling and making sure I'm okay. Although I haven't spoken to many, mike has. Yesterday the shooting whatever kept coming. I've been fully medicated. I have no idea what I'm taking and barely notice when I even take them. My food intake is a minimun. I'm sleeping, which is nice. BUT I think My husband is exhausted.

I'm feeling some discomfort in my cheeck, in my nose my whole head, and I'm watching the world spin before my eyes. I am legally high. I see wires in my nose and it's looking a bit different.

The people at the church have been praying for me often. They brought food to us yesterday and I'm sorta hoping they bring a little but more. I can't stand long enough without feeling dizzy. Mike refuses that I skip my meds because of the overwheleming pain that happens.

I really have no clue as to what I'm writing but the sponge says it's wet. Anway, if you call I can't speak very loud as some have realized. I get headaches quit frequently but know that I'm not ingnoring you but only trying to avoid the visions of circle dancing in my head. Night all.