Dear Diary???

I have not written lately because I feel like it wasn’t important to do so. Boy was I wrong!

Dear (online) diary,

    How I’ve missed our chats. My husband has been gone since Jan 8^th. Diary, why has it not gotten any easier? I really wish you could answer me but I do know that is impossible. Maybe I should say, Dear God.

Dear Lord,

   I miss my husband. He’s been gone for quite some time now and we’re not even half way through this deployment. I’ve tried Lord; to keep myself busy; to keep the kids busy. Oh how I’ve tried. So much has happened dear God; that some has even been out of my control. I do at times wish I had the ability to conquer all but I know it’s your job. I know Jesus I don’t have to refresh your memory on what happened yesterday, but I do find the need. I had a bad day; a REALLY bad day. I found myself crying out, “I want someone to clean for me, I want someone to cook for me, I want someone to wash my clothes, I want someone to listen to me, I want to take a shower by myself without any interruptions, I want to go to bed early, I want to be able to freely to go somewhere (by myself) knowing that when I get home no one will need me…” and so on Lord. You know Dear God that I make my alter where it need be. But I just couldn’t focus. I woke up feeling that way. I woke up feeling as though I was not married. I woke up missing everything that sat in front me. I woke up feeling as though I could lose my husband in a spilt second. The reality of Iraq’s war struck a cord; and not a good one.

  Help me to understand how you never feel neglected; when I know from down here people push you away. I don’t think I’m being pushed away but rather quite the opposite. I have never experienced any of this before. Women that I can say I trust. Not all but at least there fingers up now. Yet still I’m missing something. Could it be Lord, that this is all normal? Could it be one of your tests?

I’ve been a better confidant, a better mom, and a better wife; at least I think so anyway. Why am I being attacked?? Why is Satan trying to destroy what I have so solidly built? I know he can’t as long as I follow you Lord, but I’d prefer that he go away for good. I don’t want to see his ugly face. I will continue to rebuke him in your mighty name.

Please Lord, help me to grow and to become all that you want me to be. I feed off you. I learn from you. I worship you. I need the strength to get through the trails that I have had to endure and will be facing in the future. Please help me to be the wife you want me to be. Please dear Lord hear my prayer. I want to feel free and yet become all that you have planned for my future. Please take care of my husband. I really want him home. I ask a hedge of protection for him and to be spiritually fed while away from home. Help my children Lord. Give them the ability to understand my bad and good days. I can not let today be another bad day. I love you with all my heart Dear Father. In your mighty name I pray. Amen.

It's late; I know...

   But I just feel the need to say; wait! To shout, HE LOVES ME!!!!!  And he know the plans he has for me! Not sure what they are but man, my Fathers love is stronger then any other love I know!


  Secondly; I missed Mike's call today. I'm okay with it, only because I don't have a choice. It would be nice to have him home right now. Yeah, okay...I miss him. I know it's okay to miss him too.

 Thirdly; this song maybe for someone. Don't know who, but hey just listen to the message. Love you..

Women have Flaws??

One Flaw In Women  

Women have strengths that amaze men...

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in...

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend..

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what

makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Where's papa again?!

Today wasn't all that bad. Maybe it's because we've had company and I got a chance to do things I usually don't do; like Karaoke. Yes I sang Karaoke with my son and a special friend. Cici even decided to join along in the fun.

Okay so we didn't sing that good but hey, we now know why we're not in the choir at church. LOL! I would have taken pictures but when you're singing along you can't really hold the camera at the same time!

Ms. Cici asked a couple of times today about "when is papa coming home?" "He'll be home soon enough my love." I responded. "Why papa have to be far away for work?" She asked. I answered with, "because he loves us." That ended that conversation.

I got a chance to speak with Mike today. He's doing well. He's eating some great mexican food right now and has the opportunity to spend it with family. I'm glad he's there enjoying his last few days with his parents and brother.

I don't think I've ever told him but I really do worry about them. His dad's health was in question last year but he's a strong man and I doubt he's going anywhere! Which is prefect for me, I don't want to see my husband go through the pain of losing a parent like I did.

I've heard and have even said I don't ever want to bury my children but losing a parent isn't any better. It's hard. I know. Anyway, just a little update as we continue to become accustomed to my gorgeous husband being gone.

We miss him already....

Singing praises!

Forever - God is Faithful - Chris Tomlin

bondservant007 | MySpace Video

"papas gonna be back tolmolow"

"No baby, papas not coming back tomorrow", I said.

"How come, he's cying?" Sierra spoke.

"No papas not crying. He has to go to work for a long time. He won't be back till after you are 4. He has to protect us and all our friends." I replied.

" Even my bestfuen Evelyn?", "and Mr. Jim"?

I wanted to cry and responded, "Yes baby, even for all your friends..."

As she walks away, "papas going to come home becos he loves me huh mama?"

Before it ended I responded, "Papas going to come home because he loves us and Jesus loves us too.."

So my heart aches.

"Just go..."

We took Mike to the airport. Is that the appropriate way to start a post? I'm not even sure how to start or even the "right" words to say. Perhaps this is such a number of words put together with no meaning what so ever. Or that I'm lost in translation. Whatever it turns out to be; forgive me if at times it sounds rude.

As we headed out the door Sierra became a little anxious. Within a few seconds of putting her in her carseat she began to cry. I must say this is nothing out of the ordinary for her. For some reason she is beginning to dislike it. Too bad for her. She stayed like that all the way to the airport (15 min drive).

We all got off to say our good byes for the next 9 months (I hope). That's when emotions started to over come some of us. Mikey is the same; he's my sensitive precious boy; he cried a little bit. Crystal well she's "hardcore". Nothing bothers her; except this time her eyes got a little red when Mike hugged her. Sierra, she's 3, come on what can we expect at that age. Well she cried and didn't allow Mike to hold or even look at her. That's when him and I realized that yeah, she understands now. It didn't feel good. Tears gently rolled down my eyes and Mike's eyes grew red.

You know, as I stood there; I realized things were a bit different, even after 14 deployments. It just wasn't the same. I looked around and saw nothing but "civilians". Not a single family there was feeling what we felt (at the moment). We were alone. All by ourselves. *heart breaking* No one was there to support him and/or us. I mean we know whats here in this town. We have plenty of friends, support, and even God! Yet the feeling of emptiness overwhelmed me. I couldn't be there anymore. I had to tell him, "please just go". As I said that, I began to feel like a horrible person, like, I dunno. It was a little difficult to continue to watch the kids begin to feel the pain of their father leaving. And me, "the wife" watching my husband leave. I had to ask him to go. Though I know it won't be forever, I felt like a such a; I don't know.

For the first time; we kind of do feel a little alone right now. I think I know what to do. It's time to pray and read the bible. I have to remember that only the Lord knows what's next for us. It's time to become mom and dad for 9 months and hopefully no more...

Conformation; I know we're not alone, but the feeling there was and is a bit overwhelming.