Dear Diary???

I have not written lately because I feel like it wasn’t important to do so. Boy was I wrong!

Dear (online) diary,

    How I’ve missed our chats. My husband has been gone since Jan 8^th. Diary, why has it not gotten any easier? I really wish you could answer me but I do know that is impossible. Maybe I should say, Dear God.

Dear Lord,

   I miss my husband. He’s been gone for quite some time now and we’re not even half way through this deployment. I’ve tried Lord; to keep myself busy; to keep the kids busy. Oh how I’ve tried. So much has happened dear God; that some has even been out of my control. I do at times wish I had the ability to conquer all but I know it’s your job. I know Jesus I don’t have to refresh your memory on what happened yesterday, but I do find the need. I had a bad day; a REALLY bad day. I found myself crying out, “I want someone to clean for me, I want someone to cook for me, I want someone to wash my clothes, I want someone to listen to me, I want to take a shower by myself without any interruptions, I want to go to bed early, I want to be able to freely to go somewhere (by myself) knowing that when I get home no one will need me…” and so on Lord. You know Dear God that I make my alter where it need be. But I just couldn’t focus. I woke up feeling that way. I woke up feeling as though I was not married. I woke up missing everything that sat in front me. I woke up feeling as though I could lose my husband in a spilt second. The reality of Iraq’s war struck a cord; and not a good one.

  Help me to understand how you never feel neglected; when I know from down here people push you away. I don’t think I’m being pushed away but rather quite the opposite. I have never experienced any of this before. Women that I can say I trust. Not all but at least there fingers up now. Yet still I’m missing something. Could it be Lord, that this is all normal? Could it be one of your tests?

I’ve been a better confidant, a better mom, and a better wife; at least I think so anyway. Why am I being attacked?? Why is Satan trying to destroy what I have so solidly built? I know he can’t as long as I follow you Lord, but I’d prefer that he go away for good. I don’t want to see his ugly face. I will continue to rebuke him in your mighty name.

Please Lord, help me to grow and to become all that you want me to be. I feed off you. I learn from you. I worship you. I need the strength to get through the trails that I have had to endure and will be facing in the future. Please help me to be the wife you want me to be. Please dear Lord hear my prayer. I want to feel free and yet become all that you have planned for my future. Please take care of my husband. I really want him home. I ask a hedge of protection for him and to be spiritually fed while away from home. Help my children Lord. Give them the ability to understand my bad and good days. I can not let today be another bad day. I love you with all my heart Dear Father. In your mighty name I pray. Amen.